Family Controversy

So, for years my family has been embroiled in deep controversy over a very serious issue. We battle back and forth in our divided camps - my father and I on one side, my sisters staunchly on the other, with my mother settling comfortably in the middle - each side firmly convinced of the righteousness and merit of their decision. My faith that we may one day convert them never waivers. Every year without fail I continue to ask, beg and even threaten to no avail. My sister absolutely refuses to make a Christmas list.

Now, she has always maintained that this is because lists are impersonal. As devoted family members we should automatically be able to read her mind and "know" what she wants. Which is all nice and sweet, but if you, like me, are one of those whose mind-reading skills have either never developed or simply haven't emerged yet (holding on hope for that one yet), then you are totally screwed. My father and I maintain that lists are helpful, and they guarantee that you will actually get something you want under the tree instead of having to force that fake smile on your face when you receive your fifth "Bubba" the singing fish.

This conflict goes back so far into our family history that I can't even remember when it began. Over the years, though, I have become accustomed to the stubbornness of the opposite side and have slid into the simplistic pattern of buying the ultimate gift for the list-less, the gift certificate. But, this year, well, this year, my friends, is quite different. You see, in times past I could forgive my sister's recalcitrance and chalk it up as one of her charming idiosyncracies. Now, however, she has dragged my adorable and oh so innocent little niece into the dark and sinister land of the list-impaired. My poor innocent and beautiful niece (she's the angry chicken from the self-titled post below :) who has done nothing wrong execpt have the misfortune to be born into a family which worships list-lessness. I can't give an 8-month old a gift certificate! Can you imagine her little face on Christmas morning, eagerly ripping the wrapping paper into tiny, little edible shreds, stuffing those shreds eagerly into her little mouth, then having said shreds forcibley removed from her mouth by her poor parents (who have probably begun to realize that and 8-month old has little interest in opening presents for any reason other than to stick the paper in her mouth), then she finaly gets to the actual present only to realize that she's accidentally eaten it!!?? Poor, poor, Yelena! And, kids don't outgrow the wrapping paper eating habit for years. Can you imagine the number of gifts she'll consume!!?? All the while thinking, "My aunt Lisa is a real jerk! Can't she buy something I'm not interested in chewing up into spitwads?"

I write this narrative not just to inform, but also as a plea to all of you list-defectives in the audience. For the love of all that is holy, spare your loved ones the pain, agony and inevitable paper cuts, give them a freakin' list!